But Where Are The Doritos?

One of the things that is obligatory as we end one year and begin the next is a listing of the old year’s top news stories. Thus, we have just been through, or are still going through, lists of “The Top News Stories of 2018!”

What is amazing about these lists is that none of them includes the story referenced by the following December headline from a page of the Albuquerque Journal. “Did Unopened Doritos Bag Float in Sea for 40 Years?” Sub-headline, “Package stamped 1979 washes up on national seashore in N. Carolina.”   Click Here 

The National Park Service originally posted a photo of the bag on Facebook saying, “This bag was found last week…on Harkers Island along with other storm debris. The bag design looked odd to us” – I guess National Park Service personnel eat lots of Doritos out there in the park to keep up their energy – “but we couldn’t put our finger on why until we noticed the date in the lower corner – 1979!”

I am utterly dismayed that this story was not deemed important enough to be in the “Top News Stories of 2018!” A Doritos bag clearly stamped as being produced in 1979? At sea for forty years? Its colors amazingly vibrant? What does a Doritos bag have to do nowadays to get a billion hits on YouTube?

This bag has even stood the rigorous scrutiny of the world-famous History of Doritos website. Dora E. Toze, Head Chip Historian, immediately identified the bag as having been used by the company from 1973-1979. She also says, “Nacho cheese flavored Doritos first came out in 1972.” And this bag was clearly labeled, “nacho cheese flavor!”

Nacho cheese flavor, of course, brings up just how mysterious this bag’s survival was. It’s a little-known fact, but sharks are more attracted to the smell of nacho cheese than they are to blood. Sharks also have no trouble smelling through plastic. How, then, could a bag of nacho cheese flavor Doritos survive forty years in the ocean without a shark devouring it? I checked with Las Vegas odds-maker, Sherman the Shark, and he said the odds against that sack of Doritos lasting forty minutes in the water, let alone forty years, was a zillion to one.

The National Park Service wants to remind us of something important by finishing its post with, “While this was sort of a neat find due to its age, it serves as a reminder that plastic trash lasts a long time, in this case almost 40 years!” True, but what the park rangers don’t tell us is what happened to the chips inside. The headline reads, “Unopened Doritos Bag,” yet, we’re left unsatisfied by all accounts as to what has become of the Doritos themselves.

Did park rangers eat the chips and reseal the sack with an Old Bag Sealer by Ronco that washed up on Harkers Island last year? (A crime under Section F, paragraph J of the Flotsam and Jetsam Reclamation Act.) Or were the Doritos “beamed aboard by Scotty” and the bag left to float unopened for almost 40 years? If so, the bag is now a candidate for display at the UFO Museum in Roswell!

In any event, Frito-Lay, who makes Doritos, missed out on a Super-Bowl-class commercial. They could have sent Geraldo Rivera to North Carolina to open the sack and say, “Wow! Does this remind me of a vault I once opened!” Still, Geraldo might have sold a lot of Doritos, but he wouldn’t have solved the “Mystery of the Missing Chips.”