Tis the Season, and one of the last things that I associate with Christmas is the giving of fruit. (The rest of the year, we throw it at each other. Christmas truce, or rearmament?) Pears from Harry & David, pineapples from Don & Ho, and who knows what all from Butch & Sundance, Thelma & Louise, Penn & Teller.
I, too, have decided to start my own specialty fruit company. I’m focusing on the new hybrids, or what some people call frankenfruit. The Wise Men gave frankincense; thanks to me, Wise Acres will now be able to give frankenfruit.
This, of course, is not my first venture into hybrids. One time I crossed a parrot with a homing pigeon. My thinking was that if the bird got lost, it could ask directions. Turned out that the females asked directions just fine. The males never would.
By the way, what do you get when you cross a mime with an autumn yard-cleaning implement? A silent leaf blower. Mine didn’t work, though. It screamed at the leaves like a blowhard.
My new business venture won’t be up and running this Christmas season – don’t send in any orders for 2018 – but I hope to be by Christmas of 2019. Presently, I’m working on details such as my product line. I have the following in mind:
Plumcots – half plum and half apricot.
Apriums – more apricot than plum.
Pluots – more plum than apricot.
NectaPlums – plum crazy.
Peacotum – peach-apricot-plum.
Pluerry – plum-cherry. Much different from cherry tomatoes, which aren’t even hybrids.
The above you can also get elsewhere. Exclusively, I will be selling the following:
AppleFrapple – a shaved fruit specifically designed for the frappucino conscious. A jillion less calories than in the frappucinos from Starbucks or McDonalds.
Girls&Boysenberries – the first gender-equality fruit.
BananaVanna – bananas in the shape of vowels. A,E,I,O,U, and sometimes Y not order another box? They are wonderful!
MindYourElderberries – a terrible tasting hybrid. Got unruly kids or grandkids? Make them eat a bowlful of these for punishment. They’ll straighten up.
StuffedGooseberries – for those on a diet when Christmas rolls around. A handful of these instead of the Christmas goose can make all the difference in diet success. Of course, it depends on what Igor, my horticulturist, stuffs them with. Just for fun he likes to sneak in M&M’s.
MangoTangO – mango-tangerine-orange. The taste will have you out on the kitchen floor dancing!
LemonPersimmon – for those who like to pucker up, Buttercup. One may also try our SourPusses – a cross between a lemon and a cat. If cats aren’t your thing, how about a CollieFlower? Sorry, I have digressed into the kingdom of vegetables. That product line will have to wait.
As soon as I develop my frankenfruit product line, the bankers are making me file a business plan. I hate it when that happens. But before I do, I’m going to have to come up with a name for my company. My wife refuses to have anything to do with it, so I’m thinking of Frank ‘n Stein or Boris & Karloff or even Dew y Johnson, which I think would work well with orders from Mexico. It has certainly worked for bananas by Chick y Ta.
Watch for my catalog, however it turns out.