I Want Mine!

Recently, Evoni Williams, a Waffle House server, was awarded a $16,000 scholarship by Texas Southern University. Why? A lady sitting at a Waffle House counter overheard an elderly customer say that he was having trouble with his hands. Evoni Williams, wonderful person that she is, immediately stopped what she was doing and cut up his ham for him. In our smart-phone-in-every-pocket-or-purse times, the lady at the counter not only overheard but took a picture and posted it on Facebook. The picture, of course, “went viral” (one of my candidates for “Words I’d be happy to never hear again!”), leading to the offer of the scholarship.

Sounds great – is this the Land of Opportunity, or what? – but what also might have gone viral? The feeling of, “Where’s MY scholarship?” There are many other waitresses who would like to go to college, not to mention caregivers who cut up meat for the elderly, who can say, “Well, if I had been in Evoni’s situation, I would have done the same thing! Where’s MY scholarship?”

Recently, some of us have found out that certain medical doctors are receiving retainer fees from wealthy patients. This obligates them to “come a running” when there’s a runny nose or booboo requiring a bandaid or whatever the symptom. This is called concierge medicine, and there are stories of doctors who have left their practices to devote themselves to the medical care of twelve to twenty or so patients. Retainers can go as high as $25,000, and that just starts the meter running.

So, what’s next? I predict that other professions will say, “Hey, where’s my retainer?” Say, marriage counselors who want to be retained by stores such as Home Depot and Lowe’s. They can be paid to say, “Why, there’s nothing wrong with your marriage that a bathroom off a newly remodeled kitchen won’t solve.”

This is America – I WANT MINE! – and the April 2018 Borowitz Report has an unusual but lucrative opportunity. Some of you may already have signed up. “Washington, DC – Millions of Americans on Wednesday demanded that Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael D. Cohen, issue them checks in the amount of $130,000 for not having sex with Trump.

“After Cohen revealed that he had issued such a check to Stormy Daniels, a porn star who he claims never had intimate relations with his client, there was widespread outrage among other Americans who had also not had sex with Trump but had not been paid for not doing so.

“’Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy for Stormy Daniels,” Tracy Klugian, a florist in Santa Rosa, California, said. “I just want my check, too.’”

“Harland Dorrinson, a bank teller in Akron, Ohio, said that he had already e-mailed Cohen to demand payment. “I have never come close to having sex with Trump, and that should be worth something,” he said. “Specifically, $130,000.”

Some news outlets have stated that even Bill Clinton is asking for his $130,000. But that’s false news. What he said was, “I never had sex with that woman.”

 

 

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