Thanksgiving Dinner

Last year at Thanksgiving there were disasters all across the country as calorie consumption went exponential. Pant buttons popped. Dining room tables collapsed under the weight of serving dishes. The legs of dining room chairs, in which people do not sit but on rare occasion, splintered under the weight of diners. And late-afternoon family thrill seeking at the neighborhood zipline failed. The cables didn’t break. They just sagged under the weight gained earlier during Thanksgiving dinner. Zipliners  hung in place waiting to be rescued as opposed to reaching their intended destination.

There were also runs on convenience stores that had not closed for the holiday. Antacids sold out everywhere by 4:00p.m. By early evening mobs carrying signs, “We Have The Right To Burp!”, roamed the streets, breaking into closed pharmacies to take antacids by force.

In lieu of grace, many hosts read Black Friday deals prior to the meal. That offended those family members and guests who worship football and maintain that the TV should remain on during dinner. Children were offended that they had to eat their peas before having dessert. (A long-term tradition.) Teens were offended when granddads took away their cellphones and jammed them up the turkey. They stormed to their rooms in protest, which was hard given that many of them lived in another town.

Emergency rooms had to call in entire staffs to deal with the influx of arrivals –diners injured when dining room chairs splintered, hosts scalded when dining room tables collapsed and hot gravy fell into their laps, mob members cut by glass as they were breaking in to closed pharmacies for Pepcid, pig-out-persons who were so full that they just sat or lay in the waiting room moaning, convenience store clerks who had been shot after telling angry customers that they had no more Rolaids, and many, many gunshot wounds occasioned by talking politics at the dining room table before it all fell apart.

I know an American lady who has lived and worked in Europe for numerous years. And no matter what country she lived in at the time, her friends and coworkers would say to her, “You know, we have heard such wonderful things about your American Thanksgiving dinner. Roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing, gravy, sweet potato dishes with marshmallows, green bean casserole with onion rings, cranberry sauce, pecan pie, pumpkin pie…Yum! How would you like to make one and invite us all to experience such a fantastic meal?”

Not having fallen off the international turnip truck, this lady recognizes manipulation when she hears it. She eluded having to prepare such a meal for a few years by saying, “Well, you get me the turkey, and I’ll have a go at it.” There were no turkeys in the stores at that time. But turkeys, or alleged turkeys, have now begun appearing in European food stores, and she can no longer give that excuse. So now she says, “Why don’t you just skip Thanksgiving dinner and fly to America on Black Friday? Get some real deals.” Having no history with turkey, they easily fall off the international turnip truck. And once again, Europe is afflicted with the Black Plague.

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